3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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