Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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