Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
