I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
