Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
