Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
