Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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