have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
