If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
