Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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