Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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