I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If I had your ass I would rule the world
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
