i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I touched a dick in church today
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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