we're chasing vodka with high fives
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
