He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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