one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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