I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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