I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
