Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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