gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
BRING THE BAGELS
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
