got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Randomize
