Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
