I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
