I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
