You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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