You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the condom got lost in my hair
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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