I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
