That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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