I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
