singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
