Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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