Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
