i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
