Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
