Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Randomize
