Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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