Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
