I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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