I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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