I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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