I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
