I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
