I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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