He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
