tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
