So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
