An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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