I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
