Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
