dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Randomize
