I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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